Calgon, Take Me Away!

Do the promises on beauty products amuse anyone else? I mean, really, this insults my intelligence. (I did buy it though, didn't I?) I've just washed my face with a cleanser that's been "unveiling [my] youthful, radiant skin." Remember the story of the Emporer's New Clothes? I guess I'm one of the kingdom dummies, 'cause I'm not seeing a whole lotta radiance. Maybe I just need to follow it with my "beauty fluid." Hmm, didn't we used to call that lotion? Perhaps I should use my mud mask, which "will work wonders for [my] skin." It'll "help tighten loose, sagging skin...and soften lines and wrinkles." Now you're talking.
You see, lately I've been hit with a one-two punch: wrinkles & gray hair. (Thankfully not in the same spot. My scalp seems wrinkle-free, and my forehead is bald, so it could be worse...) My forehead is beginning to look like a google map, and the two parallel lines on my neck are like a little road. Patrick discovered this road, and is delighted to drive his cars around and around my neck. Aren't I accommodating?
Maybe a little color would help. Why is it that every time I use my "sheer summer color with a delicious, fresh scent" to achieve "a natural looking tan" people always ask about it? I personally don't find orange streaks all that natural looking, but what do I know?
At least my shower products are "working hard while [I] shower to nourish [my] skin." How nice of them. That way it can make my skin "soft as silk." "You have to feel it to believe it." Well, I've felt it, and I still don't believe it. If my body wash lets me down, at least I've still got my conditioner, which will leave my hair "soft and manageable for grooming and braiding," if I "apply [it] generously at the base of mane and tail," or "to condition the entire body of the animal." Now that's just insulting!
Let me know some of your favorite product promises in the comment section!